Power Rankings (Sort of)

Power Rankings are dumb. I am dumb, but I'm only going to give you the teams that are in the playoff hunt, both because it's more relevant, and also because I'm extremely lazy. As always, the teams are accompanied by moronic comments by me, because just making a list is boring.

1) San Diego Chargers: Why isn't anyone making a bigger deal about Shawn Merriman's steroid suspension? Everybody made it sound like he was on vacation or he strained his quad or something. Barry Bonds (allegedly) takes steroids, and everybody flips out, but because it's football, the Defensive Rookie of the Year is above such criticism.

2) Indianapolis Colts: WHOA! Peyton Manning was on a TV commercial just now. I've never seen him outside of a football game. It's so out of character for him to do something like that. Maybe he's getting too big for his britches.

3) Baltimore Ravens: Wait, hold on a minute. Stifling defense + capable QB + very good special teams - Jim Fassel? Doesn't that equation equal a Super Bowl? I think I've seen that equation before. I was never any good at math anyway.

4) New England Patriots: Until they lose to Peyton Manning in the playoffs at Gillette Stadium in a blizzard on a 99-yard Colts drive with under :30 remaining, I will always take the Patriots over the Colts. Oh yeah, and Manning has to play barefoot, blindfolded, and with a broken throwing arm. I'm not asking for much.

5) Dallas Cowboys: I hate to do it, but the Cowboys need to be in the top 5 after the past couple weeks. They remind me a lot of the Yankees; that is, nobody really likes them and they arrogantly think they are everyone's favorite team. Man I hate the Cowboys.

Side note here: Notice how there is only one NFC team in the top 5? Me too. This season is playing out eerily like the 2006 MLB season. We spent all year talking about how terrible the National League was, and then an NL team, and not even the favorites (stupid Mets) end up winning the World Series. My pick for Super Bowl champs, based on this trend? Atlanta Falcons. Ewww, that's an awful thought to have. Anywho, back to the rankings.

6) New Orleans Saints: Oh man, Reggie Bush tore up the 49ers on Sunday for 4 touchdowns. The only problem is that he still can't run the ball, and he's a running back. Other than that, he's great. Just call him Slash 2. And also don't give him a hand-off...ever.

7) Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals are making a run, aiming for the playoffs. I know the secret to their resurgence: All their players got released on parole about 5 weeks ago. Don't expect it to last, I hear that most of them violated their probation by viciously assaulting the Cleveland Browns a couple weeks back.

8) Seattle Seahawks: If the Seahawks don't win the Super Bowl, they can blame it on those stupid officials that broke Shaun Alexander's foot and messed up Matt Hasselback's knee. Dumb referees, they got the 'Hawks again. That being said, if they don't at least make the playoffs, there really should be an investigation into why. They live in the weakest division in all of football (tied with the NFC North, obviously).

9) New York Jets: Huh? I don't even know what they're doing here. Honestly, I have no clue.

10) Kansas City Chiefs: The Chiefs should have Robert Geathers take another cheap shot at Trent Green, it worked for them the last time they tried it. Or he could take his knee out with a metal pip...wait, that's already been done. They'll think of something.

11) Carolina Panthers: They really ought to try and dislodge Jake Delhomme's head from his ass. It's been stuck there the whole season and it's really starting to cost them. Here's a thought: GET THE BALL TO STEVE SMITH. Let's try that, shall we?

12) Denver Broncos: Ut-oh, somebody better tell the architects to hold off on that John Elway-Jay Cutler All-Time Great QB Library. Turns out he's human. Who knew? Anyway, Broncos aren't making the playoffs.

13) Philadelphia Eagles: Jeff Garcia is a 3-time Pro Bowler. Jeff Garcia is a 3-time Pro Bowler. Jeff Garcia is a 3-time Pro Bowler. If Eagles fans keep telling themselves that, then they won't have to accept that Jeff Garcia was a 3-time Pro Bowler and now is a subpar replacement for Donovan McNabb. They're in, though.

14) Chicago Bears: Yeah, they're 10-2. Yeah, they are probably going to win home-field in the NFC playoffs. But when your QB has a game where his QB rating is 1.3, then you're going to go get dropped this far, and you're also going to lose in their first playoff game.

15) Atlanta Falcons: I think Michael Vick is not a coach killer, but his receivers might be, if they can't hold onto the damn ball. If they don't make the playoffs, I'm sure Jim Mora Jr. is going to wish that Vick would actually kill him, so he wouldn't have to look at the awful wide receivers anymore. After that Algie Crumpler can eat him.