MLB Loves Cancer

Major League Baseball is cancer's #1 fan.

Ok, I should probably explain that a little bit. There are a couple of different definitions of a cancer, but there's only two that actually work with my premise. The first is the actual, medical definition of cancer. The other is the proverbial clubhouse cancer, the one that kills morale and chemistry within a team. Just to be clear here, I'm talking about everyone that makes decisions in baseball, not just Bud Selig, because you really can't blame the commissioner for everything that goes wrong in the baseball world. Well, you can, it's more fun that way, but it's not really fair to Bud.

If you ask a casual sports fan about what's wrong with baseball today, I guarantee that a majority of these people will say that steroids is #1 on their list. Obviously the face of the steroids scandal is Barry Bonds. However, to more intimate fans of baseball, HGH (Human Growth Hormone) is the more serious problem facing MLB today and in the near future. Just under a month ago, Los Angeles Angel of Anaheim (is that how you say that? I have no idea) Gary Matthews Jr., he of the catch that landed him a $50 million contract (tell me this catch wasn't better), was implicated in a raid on a pharmacy that sold steroids and other PEDs over the internet. Convicted steroid user Jason Grimsley was also among the names mentioned in the NY investigation. Bill Stoneman, the GM for the Los Angeles Angels of Anah...ah, screw it, I'm just going to call them the California Angels from now on...anyway, Stoneman said that there would be no plans to punish Matthews, and that essentially the Angels organization was passing the buck on to the commissioners office. So far, MLB has been remarkably quiet in their investigation, because, according to them, they feel it would be wrong to comment on an ongoing investigation. However, I seem to remember that didn't (and still doesn't) stop them from talking about Barry Bonds behind his back like he's their rival for homecoming queen. Believe me, I'm not a huge Bonds fan, but it stinks of hypocrisy that the governing body of baseball would take such a keen interest in Barry, but not in Matthews Jr. If only Gary Matthews Jr. was close to breaking Hank Aaron's RBI record, Bud would be on that like Pete Rose on anything that might make him relevant again.

Getting back to my original premise of MLB being allies with cancer. Barry Bonds has been a clubhouse cancer for years. So was Raphael Palmeiro after testing positive for steroids in the summer of 2005. Palmeiro's suspension sent the already faltering Orioles into a free fall that eventually ended in a fiery explosion. Raffy's punishment for this was a 10-day suspension, basically a slap on the wrist. Matthews Jr. has been a distraction for the California Angels all spring training, which will no doubt disrupt the team's chemistry. Also, this HGH scandal has taken the focus off of where it should be, on the rise of the great young stars. The Angels in the Infield (yes it was cheesy and no, I don't care, it felt good) include SS Erick Aybar, 1B Casey Kotchman, 2B Howie Kendrick, and future 3B Brandon Wood, and all four are going to be very good, very quickly. Too bad we had to talk about PEDs instead of great young players.

Apparently MLB also loves cancer, the deadly family of diseases. Most people have probably already seen this, but if you haven't, it's among the more ridiculous things baseball has ever been concerned about. Craig Biggio, future Hall of Famer and First-Team All-Good Guys, wears a pin on his hat during spring training. This pin is for the Sunshine Kids Foundation, a charity for young children with cancer. Biggio's been wearing this pin for most of his 20 years in the major leagues. Apparently, though, this will desecrate the sacred tradition that is spring training. FYI, he never wears the pin during the regular season, just in preseason when most of the pictures are taken for baseball cards. That'll teach you, Biggio, you selfless bastard. No more helping others, or else MLB will make you pay. You need to focus more on getting jacked up on steroids and HGH and acting like the last guy who got into the 3,000-hit club . And grow a damn mustache, would you? Maybe then MLB will let you do what you want.

Preseason Power Rankings

While everybody else is obsessing over March Madness (I somehow picked Villanova to go to the Elite Eight, enough said), I'm going to do my annual preseason power rankings for the upcoming MLB season. First game of the season is Mets vs. Cardinals on April 1st, which somehow ends up on ESPN2.

Anywho, here we go, and as usual, I'm probably wrong and will look like an idiot within a week.

1) New York Yankees: I hate putting the Yankees 1st in anything, but with Andy Pettite joining Chien-Ming Wang (haha, Wang) and Mike Mussina in the rotation (along with pitching phenom Phillip Hughes coming up from Triple-A sometime during the season), the Yankees have to be the favorites at this point.

2) Detroit Tigers: After a wildly surprising run to the World Series last season, the Tigers reloaded by adding the one of the fastest bats ever, Gary Sheffield. I would not want to be anywhere near him when he's swinging it, he could probably take your head clean off.

3) Boston Red Sox: I would have the Red Sox first if they had any idea who their closer was going to be. Joel Pineiro? They better hope he doesn't turn into Joel Pinyata. Still, with Manny and Big Papi, along with Schilling, Beckett, and Daisuke Matsuzaka, the Red Sox should still be in great shape.

4) Minnesota Twins: The Twins are like the Little Market That Could. Despite living in a frigidly cold state with more lakes than people (maybe?), they still have the reigning Cy Young, Batting Title, and MVP award-winners on their team, as well as one of the best and most underrated closers in the game, Joe Nathan.

5) New York Mets: Hey, finally an NL team on this list. I would have the Mets higher, especially after seeing Mike Pelfrey and Oliver Perez pitch lights-out the last couple times, but I'm still a little bearish on the starting rotation. I can live with a rotation of Tom Glavine, El Duque, John Maine, Perez, and Pelfrey. Lineup and bullpen are still awesome.

6) St. Louis Cardinals: This is a courtesy spot for the Cardinals. Truth is, they overachieved last year and are headed for a fall. Of course, they still have the best hitter in the majors in Albert Pujols, and a certified ace in Chris Carpenter. They'll win their division again, which will piss Cubs fans off (which also makes me happy).

7) Chicago White Sox: Their pitching will be better than last year, and they even won 90 games with the pitching they had last year. They do need to bail their shortstop out of jail, but it probably wouldn't have been the first time.

8) Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles Southern California Metropolitan Area and Surrounding Islands Under US Jurisdiction: Despite the ridiculous name, the Angels are gearing up for a return to the playoffs. Howie Kendrick is going to be a hitting machine.

9) Philadelphia Phillies: While I admit that the Phillies did get better, they're definitely not the "team to beat" this year, as Jimmy Rollins suggested (several times). The last time they had expectations on them, they sucked, so let's not start printing those playoff tickets just yet.

10) Toronto Blue Jays: Yes, the Jays did get better during the offseason. Unfortunately for them, so did the Red Sox and Yankees, so that leaves the Canadians exactly where they were last year: out of the playoffs.

11) San Diego Padres: The pitching roster for the Padres is ridiculous. They have Greg Maddux, Jake Peavy, David Wells, and Trevor Hoffman all on the same staff. Let's see: three future Hall of Famers and one with lights-out stuff. Chris Young is a very very good young pitcher, and that just adds to the potential of this Padres starting rotation.

12) Oakland Athletics: The A's replaced their best hitter (Frank Thomas) with Mike Piazza (who's a personal favorite but can't be considered an improvement over the Big Hurt). Also, they replaced Barry Zito with a healthy Rich Harden (at least they hope he's healthy. That would be new for him).

13) Los Angeles Dodgers: See, the Dodgers only have one LA name. I think the Angels are jealous of the Dodgers. The Dodgers are a very young team that is going to be good really quickly. I'd have them higher if their big offseason pickup wasn't Juan Pierre.

14) Chicago Cubs: The Cubs are trying to get really good really fast. Let's recap: they spent $136 million on a centerfielder who has never played center field (hadn't even played in the outfield before last season), they spent $21 million on a pitcher with a career 56-52 record, and they have failed (so far) to sign their ace Carlos Zambrano to a long-term deal. Good offseason, nice try. Hope you like second place and sitting home in October. You would think they would be used to it by now.

15) Cleveland Indians: I'm not as high on the Indians as everyone else is. I obviously think they're going to have a better season than they did (78-84), but they don't have a closer and their starting rotation is a little shaky. They're going to finish 4th in a ridiculously loaded AL Central Division.

16) Arizona Diamondbacks: They got Randy Johnson back from the Yankees to go along with Cy Young winner Brandon Webb and a whole bunch of young kids. Johnson will be taking the role of Team Babysitter from Luis Gonzalez, who was let go after an unfortunate incident with little baby Carlos Quentin's puppy dog. Ok, I just made that last part up, but I won't apologize for it.

17) Atlanta Braves: The Braves missed the playoffs last year for the first time since 1856, and they look to get back this year. It probably won't happen, but I'm nervous as long as Larry "Chipper" Jones, John Smoltz, and Bobby Cox are still on that team. They give me the jitters. By the way, which team knocked the Braves out for the first time in ages? Oh yeah, that's right...it was the METS.

18) Milwaukee Brewers: The Brewers have gotten alot better recently, and they are alot of people's sleeper team to take the NL Central. I don't really understand why. Yeah, they're alot better, but they haven't shown why they can suddenly jump into that higher echelon of teams. Ben Sheets needs to stay healthy and Jeff Suppan needs to pitch like he did during the NLCS against the Mets. The first one might happen and the second one almost certainly won't.

19) Houston Astros: The Astros don't have Roger Clemens (yet) or Andy Pettite (at all), and with their mediocre hitting (besides Lance Berkman, who is a beast), the Astros aren't going anywhere, even with Roy Oswalt and newly-acquired Jason Jennings. By the way, it's been a year and a half and Brad Lidge still hasn't recovered from Pujols destroying that slider during the 2005 NLCS. Methinks he never will. (Methinks that me should never write methinks again too.)

20) Texas Rangers: Still don't have any pitching...but they've got Sammy Sosa back. Would you rather have him from the last time he played, period (with the Orioles in 2005: .221 avg, 1 HR, 14 RBIs) or the last time he played with the Rangers (.238, 1, 3)? Yeah, I would pick neither.

21) San Francisco Giants: Speaking of old suspected steroid users, it wouldn't be the Giants unless Barry Bonds was being followed around by Pedro Gomez. In other Giant-related news: the Giants made a huge mistake in signing an above-average pitcher to the highest salary ever for pitchers (Barry Zito, 7 years, $126 million). Doesn't anyone remember Denny Neagle?

22) Cincinnati Reds: The Reds, like the Brewers a couple spots above, are heading in the right direction, with NL strikeout and wins leader Aaron Harang (wait, who?) and Bronson Arroyo anchoring a pitching staff that expects to get even better when Homer Bailey, the lefty with incredible stuff, finally makes his way to the big-league club sometime during the season (probably after the All-Star Break).

23) Colorado Rockies: Despite playing in that stadium in the sky, the Rockies were actually respectable. They're going to be ok this year too, but look for them in 2008 to challenge in the very young NL West.

FYI: These last seven teams are pretty bad, so it's hard to rank them accurately.

24) Florida Marlins: The Marlins will come down to earth this season, as they oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooverachieved (yeah, that much) last season. It doesn't help if your stupid owner forces out the Manager of the Year (Joe Girardi). Apparently Jeffrey Loria doesn't like it when people make his team win games. He's like the owner in Major League, except she was at least easy on the eyes.

25) Tampa Bay Devil Rays: The Rays still have just Scott Kazmir (I want him back) and loads of young hitting, especially in the outfield. Their farm system is absolutely loaded though, so give them a couple years and I think they will actually be able to compete with the big boys.

26) Kansas City Royals: It's weird not to have the Royals in last place. Of course, it helps when you actually spend money, even if it is $55 million on Gil Meche. Helps even more if you have a ridiculously talented rookie 3rd basemen. Any time you hear comparisons to George Brett, you have to be impressed.

27) Seattle Mariners: The Mariners new DH is Jose Vidro. Their big offseason pickup was Jeff Weaver, who was awful in the American League last year. Better watch Ichiro while he's still there, because you can bet that he won't be there when his contract's up.

28) Pittsburgh Pirates: The Pirates seem like they should be better. They have Jason Bay, one of the top outfielders in the major leagues. They have Freddy Sanchez, the reigning NL batting champ. They have a brand-new stadium that is absolutely gorgeous. Still, they don't have much else, so they're relegated to the bottom of the standings, both mine and the NL Central, for the umpteenth year in a row.

29) Baltimore Orioles: Peter Angelos seems to not care about his team at all. He makes absolutely no effort at all to improve it, and that's just not fair to Miguel Tejada, one of the most fun people to watch in all of baseball. Seriously, sell the team if you don't care about winning.

30) Washington Nationals: You can't really blame the Nationals for the situation they're in. It's going to take them a while to rebuild this team. That being said, the Nationals are going to be absolutely, breathtakingly awful this year. It'll be historic. Their best player is a second-year third basemen, and they have no pitching to speak of. I almost feel bad for people that have to watch their games.